And the woman I call mother

Even at different angles, I don't think I got any of your physical traits, except for one thing. Unlucky me, I got your poor eyesight. But lucky me, I was your son.

When some of my Singaporean friends commented that I look like you (now), it actually surprised and excited me as I seldom here that. It is, well, a positive feedback for me.

You probably want to hear stories from me, outside from those that I usually tell you over the phone, on Facetime, or over the chat. But sometimes, I'm just to lazy or scared to tell them to you as you might judge me easily. I wanted to be more open, but it seems like you don't want to hear all of them. Or  I'm afraid you might just take all of them too seriously.

Although it might not be that obvious, I do have several reasons why I love you so. And looking back in retrospect, it's just fun to see how our mother-son relationship evolved over the years. If my looks were from Papa, my character & morals were more like you/yours.

Just like you, I over-analyze things. I worry about simple things. I care a lot about how people will perceive me. I lead. I stand-up for what is right and just. I inspire people. I motivate people. I remain humble despite big achievements. I am an achiever. I praise God. I am confident. I walk with elegance and pride. I am pro-family. Similar, yeah?

I also got my dramatic-argumentative-rational genes from who else, YOU.  We probably had dozens of petty quarrels over the years. Remember when I didn't greet you during Mother's Day? Remember when I didn't talk to you for over a couple of weeks fighting over some simple money-matters two years ago?

I am actually sometimes scared of you. I am scared of telling you my little secrets. Because I know you might never trust me again. And I never want to break that trust. I have always been your little good boy.

But along the way, while I was growing up, I knew you had some little hints about the other side of the "real" me. But you never dared confront me. I also never dared to tell you. We were probably both scared of the truth.

Every time I think of simple past moments with you, it makes me stop and smile.

I thought I would grew up too dependent on people. I remember when I was really younger, I will get scared a lot at night and will never be able to sleep until you hug me to sleep. And how I always cried whenever you send me to school. Every thing have seemingly changed, as I gained the confidence, courage and independence I have now in Singapore.

I would never have become the studious person I am today if it wasn't your effort in spending time reviewing all my subjects with me every time I have school exams.

I've always looked forward to our Siomai and Potato Corner dates at EDSA Central after school. I've always looked forward to our Samurai snacks at SM Megamall. I've always looked forward to your takehome breads from French Baker. I've always looked forward to us buying banana-qs each Saturday afternoon on our way to Bagong Ilog from Maybunga. I associate each siomai, Potato Corner, Samuria, French Baker breaks, and banana-qs to blissful afternoons with you.

I remember I broke your blue vase with flower engravings on it when I was about five or seven. I wrote you an apology  letter thereafter with funny stick drawings detailing how I accidentally hit it. At that age, I have already learned how to say sorry for any things I have done wrong.

Applying pipinos on our eyes to erase any unwnted eyebags was also a skill I learned from you. Even using lotion to moisturize my dry skin. Vain as it may sound, you taught me how to take care of myself.

If not for you, I wouldn't have won my three medals in my school declamation contests. The first one was when I was still in nursery. The second was in Prep. While the last one was in Grade 4. Diction, clear pronunciation, and acting skills, I did learn from one great master.

You taught me the greatest virtue I have ever learned - valuing God and my spiritual life. If not for you, I wouldn't have become the humble man that I am now with God as the center of my life. You taught us the value of praying together, reciting the rosary every Sunday, and not forgetting to attend masses every week. It has become a natural fascination and hobby now for me to do so. And I thank you for introducing God in my life.

Lately, whenever I wash plates during house parties with friends in Singapore, I always look back at the old times when you force us to learn how to clean up our plates and cooking utensils especially when we don't have any maids at home. This is an excellent skill I have learned.

You have taught us to chase after our dreams even if other people are stopping us from doing so. You have held us up highly, and in return, we have always regarded ourselves as persons who are always "able"; able to excel in our studies, able to love other people especially our family, able to lead and be aspirational leaders. And I know just because of these, I have been raised well.

You never grew tired of being a mother. You always open the door for me even at the middle of the night or early mornings whenever I go out for my gimik sessions. I wonder why you never run out of vacation leaves in the office because you always take time to fetch me at the airport and bring me back, accompany me to shop at Galleria or Megamall whenever I'm in Manila, and just be there lazing at home when I'm around.

You are one great mom. Although sometimes I forget or intentionally forget to do so, I think you are an AWESOME human being.

You taught us how to care for the elderly and how to love your parents even at their dying age. I've seen that during Tatay's last days on earth. Despite the eeky phlegms on our walls, the cigarette butts in our living room,  and his stubborn behaviour, you remained patient and understanding. I see that up to now with Nanay. I wish I would have the same virtues when both of us grow old.

You taught me how to be sensitive. To cry. To be emotional.

You taught me how to value my health.

You taught me to how to give up your own luhos for the sake of greater things. From jewelries that you pawned to the cash left on your wallet, sabi mo nga, "isusubo mo na lang, ibibigay mo pa."

You always said the education is the only pamana you will give to us. Did you know, you made the right investment? We'll try to pamper you as much as we can traveling to different countries, etc.

You also want to know the truth - the real truth about your only son. I know you asked my teacher in school then if I was gay. But until now, I know you still haven't found the real answer. Sorry if I misled you one way or another in the past. I was just scared. As most gay sons would be. Especially if they love their parents so dearly. They don't want to hurt them.

I am very sorry if I've hurt you by telling the truth. I hope you will still accept and love me as your son. The way I've loved you as my mother.

Love,
Paolo