How I came out

I came out on February 5, 2012. That night, I told my parents I am gay. And they accepted me.

For more than 26 years, it all suddenly came to a finality. This was the moment I have been waiting for. I even thought it won't come. Or that, I have to wait another decade before this would happen.

Tired from an all-day boat ride and a tour of the different islands near Coron, we came back past four in the afternoon at our resort to take a shower and get ready for a movie marathon inside our room. While I was taking a shower and lathering my sunburnt skin with the free hotel soap, Mama shouted with panick, "Patay na si Nanay."  So, I quickly finished my shower and raced to her side outside our room. She and Papa were outdoors trying to find a nice spot to get cellphone signal. Apparently, there were only a few spots in the resort where there was incoming, intermittent signal.




I knew Nanay will be dying soon. This is not a real shocker. We were even praying for this to happen quickly, so that she no longer need to endure all the pain while she is living really hard by her bed.

The initial thought that I had in my mind were pretty selfish, I must admit. I thought about myself first. My thoughts were on my plan to come out the following day, and not on that day. So I've let go of these selfish thoughts first to think about the fastest way we can head back home to Manila to attend to our deceased Lola. 


After all the hotel fees and rebooked plane tickets have been settled, we headed back to our room to eat dinner. It was a fast and the most uneasy dinner I've ever had in my life. I was thinking about Nanay, of course. But at the same time, I was thinking if that was the right time to continue what has been already planned.

I prayed for a minute. I literally evoked the Holy Spirit to envelope me before I say those words. Then it came...

I uttered, "Ma... gusto ko sana kayo kausapin. Matagal ko ng gustong sabihin ito *fake sob*... short pause... bakla ako."

I remember I was still speaking when Mama rushed over to hug me. It was the hug that I was waiting for. It wasn't just a hug of love, it was more a hug of forgiveness and acceptance.

It wasn't that emotional as I expected it to be. And there was no surprise from their side too. It was just a seal of affirmation on the truth.

At that second, I was relieved.

Funny how our conversations began thereafter. It seemed like there's a lot of catching up to do on both sides.

Hopefully, this is a start of new beginning with strengthened ties between my parents and myself.

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The next day, I also told Denise. While the both of us are doing a collage of Nanay's old photos inside the car, I told her the same thing. he didn't believe me at first. I think, she couldn't take it yet that I'm telling the truth in front of her face.

She accepted, but I sensed she disliked it. She wanted to have some pamangkins from me. She got surprised too that I can speak the Becky lingo. Although she already knew years back, what I admired from her is that she never confronted me. And that, she never told my parents about it as well.

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Now, I no longer need to hide from them. I no longer care about what other people will tell about me. What's important is that, those who matter most in my life, already knows the truth and have accepted me for who I am and who I will become.

Signing off,
SuperPao